Monday : Tuesday : Wednesday
As part of my promise to myself not to write about Brenda for a week, I’m trawling through some video files and seeing if they’re any cop. And lo! Some are better than others.
Wednesday brings the zany antics of Jaws and David – two goldfish who simply couldn’t be crazier! Also, there’s Paul and Tom in “The Ankle That I Have Broken”. Crazy days! If there’s one thing crazier than Paul, it’s Tom! Crazy time!!
THE GOLDFISH BOWL
The brief that 3 gave us was to be edgy. They were a new mobile network provider, and wanted to be seen as groundbreaking and “dangerous”. The cuntishness of “dangerous comedy” aside (hands up if you like Monkey Dust – now, everyone with their hand up, please slap yourselves silly), we soon found out exactly how dangerous they meant. Our forbidden list included:
- all swear words stronger than pinkies
- any reference to sex, beyond “a wry look at the difference between the sexes”
- any reference to any drug, including alcohol
- any violence that might be imitated (lasers were OK)
- cruelty to animals. One episode of Paul and Tom featured a robot dog getting tapped on the nose with a spade. It was rejected.
- Arbitrary Other : Robot Q, with his effeminate voice, was judged to be a child, so we couldn’t be cruel to him. The solution? Write a script where he claims, proudly, that he is seven hundred fucking years old (without the fucking, obviously). Then mangle him in every way possible.
They were also so sensitive about appearing racist, that a cartoon was ditched at the last minute because someone noticed that the zookeeper looked a bit Indian. “You can’t imply that an Indian man molests pandas”, they said. Our reply, of course, was “OH COME ON, THEY’RE ALL FUCKING AT IT, TAKE YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE SAND”.
“We might as well write about a couple of fucking goldfish,” I thought wryly to myself, whilst puffing on my +1 Pipe of Intelligence. And the rest is zany fishbowl history!
So, how do two goldfish entertain themselves with no external stimuli? Well, they piss and shit themselves, so that’s two episodes sorted. Then there’s special guests, which included an Uncle, a nephew, a deep-sea DJ, and in this episode, a hapless bear and two hundred spectators.
PAUL AND TOM
You’ll remember from Monday that Paul and Tom are intensely competetive, and that by episode forty we’d got so desperate that we had them bickering about wardrobes. This is episode fifty. Seriously, when it came to awful, repetitive comedy, we wrote enough unchanging shit to put Little Britain to shame.
Wow, Log, you’re a lot gayer than you used to be. Look at all this pink! How’s it going?
Things I wrote done be in your book! I have two copies!
You’re tight. Haha. I meant to say you’re right, but I said you’re tight. Like I was trying to mount you and my willy kept bouncing off, I’m that gay. Hello, rockyshore! S’been a while. I conduct all my conversations in these comments, now – how’re you doing?
Also, I’ve removed all the pink to make you look like an idiot.
A reply posted at nearly half past midnight? I can hardly believe the heady lifestyle of the modern homosexual. On the Internet when all right-thinking folk are tucked up in bed!
I was going to write a post about how great everything is, but this morning I got into a fight which may well see me ostracised from my immediate family. Still waiting to see how that goes (look, your blog has become my blog! How’d you like them apples?).
I’m not sure if removing the pink was a good idea. At least with pink I knew where I stood. Blue may well lull me into a false sense of security, allowing gayness to suddenly leap out at me and turn me into a cock-hungry monster. I assume this is how gayness spreads, although I will admit my experience in these matters is somewhat limited.
I’ve set the alternate colouring in the comments to be pinkish then blueish. That way, I can be the girl, and you can be the reassuringly butch (in a kind of fey sky blue way) boy.
Unless someone else posts – then the role-reversal consequences would be Disney-esque in their epic magnitude!
just passing through…
on the list of forbidden 3 things, there was also “comment on, or mockery of the royal family”
Haha! I’d forgotten that. They really were a company on the very edge of everything!
Also, it seems that I’m the boy now, and Simon’s the girly girl. Nice pigtails, Simon! While you’re here, I’d like some cheap meds please.
That list of proscribed things reads almost EXACTLY like the list of things I was forbidden to mention when I did a best man’s speech a few years ago. Might have offended the grannies, see. Now I can call them piss-stained old ratbags and no-one bats an eyelid. How times have changed.
I like Jaws & David. I liked that it had a laugh track because it showed you when to laugh.