Video Week has been cut short! Why’s that? I’ll tell you for whys! I got really, really, distracted.
A) I was chatting to loads of people on MSN Messenger and they were all like “come on join the party” and I came back with “you better get this party started cos I’m the kinda guy who’ll never settle down”. Seriously, I am the most fun to party with. I say things like “Walla walla BONG” and crazy shit like that.
B) The second reason was that it’s been a truly magnificent day for my beast-colleague, Brenda. Who would have thought that Brenda’s most awful behaviour to date would revolve around the bereavement of a colleague? I shit you the fuck not, she was crying more than the woman whose dad had died.
C) We had a sad-face complaint from the Law of the Playground. I don’t have time to explain now, but the glorious upshot is that we made someone cry about her fat dead mum. I think we can probably step aside now, and say “mission accomplished”.
By way of apology, I’m going to go to Nottingham for four days, and come back on Sunday. Is that OK? Does a period of self-imposed Midlands sound fair enough to you? Or do you want more? Take a piece, I’ve got loads spare.
Before I go, though – if you want to see a photo of me murdering whores on the internet, then you really should probably go see Jekyll and Gingernuts. I’ve never looked dapperer, and frankly, you could have made more of an effort.
COMMENTS HOMEWORK FOR THE WEEKEND
Answer one or more of the following questions.
1. What do you bring to the party (bear in mind I’ve already brought the vodka and dancing honeys)?
2. Once I’ve wiped out all the whores, who should I murder next? Seems a shame to waste the momentum.
3. Should I take down this story from the Law of the Playground?
| mahr keef Mispronunciation of “My Keith”. Used primarily by the mother of [name removed], a gargantuan lumpy beast of a woman, who had a melted owl face and corned-beef arms. Her protective cry of “MAHR KEEF”, warped into a gigantic trumpet by her fatty fatty fatfat lungs of fat. She drove a car named “Cheese On Toast”, presumably because the idea of sitting inside of a huge piece of food made her wet her fat knickers in morbid glee. |
Please do not touch “mahr keef”; instead, please post the complaint alongside it in the playground site. If you took down entries because they upset someone, you’d have to take down every entry, and that’d be just silly.
1. Twister, bopit and a trampoline.
2. Mothers with prams who stop to talk to other mothers with prams in shop doorways / narrow streets / busy streets.
3. Fuck no!
I think the person who read the Law Of The Playground and cried about her fat, dead mum was probably only reading the Law Of The Playground so she could laugh at other people’s fat, dead mums. The lesson I think we can all learn from this is, don’t read the Law Of The Playground if you’ve got a fat, dead mum.
Why is she complaining? Her fat dead mum has been immortalised for all time. If it is true that one lives beyond death only through the memories of others (and it probably is not true), then this fat dead mum has a real headstart on all the others. She is verging on becoming legend.
Mind, I would probably change the line “fatty fatty fatfat lungs of fat” to something more poignant.
What, like “fatty fatty fatfat lungs of now-congealed fat”?
Yes, or perhaps “fatty fatty fatfat lungs of fetid fat”. That has a particular poetic beauty.
Isn’t censorship in the name of “Good Taste” hypocritical? Especially when Good Taste isn’t nearly as funny as “offensive to some viewers”.
Actually – you should probably put a warning on LOTP – “You may find this website offensive if you ever were/are fat, gay, bullied, good at sport, bad at sport, clever, stupid, unfortunate, know anyone with cerebal palsy/any noticable deformity/mental illness, have a dead relative, are black, brown, oriental, Jewish, have ever wee’d yourself, or called a teacher “mummy” by mistake”.
Point out that she’s now rapidly losing weight, and within a few short weeks will have a figure that teenage girls crave?