Walking along the road, I found a crumpled piece of paper hugging the railings. I’m curious, and like finding things, so I picked it up. What I found outraged me on so many levels that I quite literally fell over and refused to move for three days. Here, look.
It doesn’t take much intelligence to work out that this letter was written by a very proper mother on behalf of her son, to a girl, thanking her for a present that her parent had bought on her behalf. Now, let’s talk about how evil everyone involved is.
1. The mother is pretending to be her son, and writing to a girl.
This has to be a universal no-no. When will this end? “Dear Georgina, in a recent open conversation with my mother, I told her that I would like to take you bowling and watch a romantic comedy with you. I confided in my mummy that I have a tight foreskin, and she wisely advised me to masturbate vigourously before our date (should you accept), so that my banjo doesn’t twang and bleed inside you. However, you should be aware of this before we move to the sexual stage – please be gentle.”
There is no moral difference between that letter, and this one. The mother is a monster.
2. The mother gives away personal details.
So now Georgina knows that Carl isn’t allowed to play with his daddy’s darts. If Carl let this information slip himself, then it’s his fault and he deserves all the “Daddy No-Darts” namecalling he gets. But for the mother to betray this humiliating confidence in writing is nothing short of scandalous. Anything else you’d like to share, mummy?
“Thanks for the hat. I have nits and it might stop them jumping onto other people’s heads.”
“Thank you for the trousers. I sometimes piss myself so they’ll come in handy.”
“Thank you for the Scalectrix set. Yesterday I put make-up on and kissed the mirror.”
3. Georgina has thrown away the letter.
This only occurred to me once I had stared at the letter for five minutes. However awful and embarrassing this letter is, Georgina shouldn’t have littered the streets with it, throwing it where any old cunt could find it, and put it on the internet. That’s one heartless bitch.
I imagine that Georgina kept the letter for long enough to show her Heathers clique, before throwing it over her shoulder with a hideous, squealing laugh.
4. If the green writing is Carl’s attempt at a signature, he is either 3, or fucking DUMB.
This kid can’t keep four letters inside a sheet of A5. What place does he have using a dartboard? Even if he held the dart in his hand and put it directly into the dartboard, there’s no guarantee that he wouldn’t miss by six feet and stab the dog’s arse. I can see why your dad doesn’t let you use his proper darts. The dog wouldn’t last a week.
5. The mothers are living in some delusional world where parents actually pretend their 3 year old children are capable of adult behaviour.
You’re not fooling anyone! Carl signed the letter himself, with a green mess! And if Georgina has similar academic gifts, there’s no way on God’s earth she’ll be able to read joiny-uppy writing. So if this letter is from one mother to another, why are you playing this sick game where your children write polite letters to each other? It is the behaviour of MENTALS.
Georgina : Cake!
Carl’s Mother : What was that, darling?
Georgina’s Mother : Georgina was just saying that the cake looks exquisite, and many compliments to the chef.
Carl : Toilet!
Carl’s Mother : How true, Carl. However delicious the meal, it always ends up in the same place.
Georgina’s Mother : A true philosopher!
Families are just plain fucked-up.
