Words

I think this is a goer, all we have to do is share all the old writers on Google Docs, and away you go I reckon I should get paid £200 or something for this

Pizza Express have just introduced Pizzas with holes in the middle. It’s a thrilling time for pizza lovers everywhere – and I know I’m a pizza lover, because Pizza Hut keep sending me these. When you or I first see one of these Leggera pizzas, we think one of these two things: 1) I wonder what … Read more

Hi again! I’m Jennifer Tolstoy and I’m a qualified plumber working mainly for Magnet Kitchens! Not really, but you’d be AMAZED how many people let you look in their kitchen drawers when you say that, and you’d be even MORE amazed at the kind of things I find! It’s not always genuine Damien Hirsts – … Read more

GUESS THE PERFECTLY REASONABLE EXPLANATION 1) We are undercover in a honey-trap sting operation, or something else to do with bees and paedophiles. 2) We are looking for our adopted son in a thrilling multi-part episode of Two And A Half Dads 3) We were trying to recapture a lost sense of youth (an experiment … Read more

I’ve just been to Burger King. I ordered the Cheezy Bites, because I’m something of an explorer. There was something about the Mini-Angus Burger from the kids menu that stank of pedestrianism, and I fancied something a little more… recherché. My hopes have rarely been higher, so you can imagine my disgust when I unfolded my … Read more

Steve: do you think cockatiels enjoy singing like we enjoy singing Log: I wonder if they’re trying to impress us into having sex with them. I thought that’s what birdsong was all about. Or territory. Perhaps they’re telling us to get out Steve: well, when we sing we are trying to impress people on to … Read more

To some people, the 80s were all about the rivalry between  Duran Duran and Wham! People talk of the playground being divided by a huge tennis net, and long lunch hours spent with their faces pressed against the mesh, their snarling maws hungry for the flesh of the enemy. Geography lessons dominated by the constant … Read more

So we all know about the basic Hanky Code, right? It’s the failsafe method that gay men use to find a husband. If you’re straight, here’s is how it works: 1. Choose the colour that represents the thing you like. 2. If you like doing it, but the hanky in your back left pocket. If … Read more

I’m a staggeringly sensitive person. I’m perfectly attuned to humanity, and the energy that human emotions transmit along the fibres of the universe. When someone is sad, their sadness consumes me – unless someone is standing between us laughing, in which case I’m struck by a serene sense of balance, and can resume shopping. But … Read more