Log Here’s Irene. She’s a bit of a cunt, is Irene. Her allotted, and happily embraced, duty in life is to sit at the end of the bar being this bit of a cunt. The ends of her mouth have never really been asked to curl upwards, so she’s stuck with a soggy bit of gob-flap … Read more
Today, I ‘m teetering with half a buttock on my chair. This is part of a hyper-new (March 2006) exercise regime – the continuous “tensation” that gluteal teetering brings is scientifically proven to automagically convert grotesque fat into strips of tough, dry meat in a wildly shorter period of time than you’d think. time you’d … Read more
Rejection is usually such a whimsical experience. You approach a gentleman and suggest 40% anal, and he pelts you with almonds. Someone dumps you the same day you were going to dump them, leaving you sounding good-natured and warm-socked when you say “You know, it’s funny, you dumping me, because I was going to dump … Read more
Because when communities start celebrating Christmas without the quality control that corporate sponsorship brings, this is the kind of shit you get outside Sainsbury’s. Listen in anguish. If you’re anything like me, you’ll enjoy the recorder flourish at the end of the verse. Before they start the verse again, and do it three times worse. … Read more
THE BOARDROOM OF GORBACHOCâ„¢ ENTERPRISE After three years of continuous decline, Gorbachoc Enterprise have decided to use advanced taste science to boost the desirability of their chocolate product. The day has finally come for the unveiling of the new chocolate. Boris This chocolate is one of the finest we have ever tasted. Scientist Thank you. … Read more
From reading this blog, you’d probably have me pegged as a well-spoken gentleman. You most likely picture me tapping my pipe on the cocktail cabinet, and excusing myself from diplomatic engagements on the grounds that I’m too busy combing the pelts of endangered animals. Well, I’ve been back in Nottingham for two days. And this … Read more
I’ve been totally wrapped up in PHP and crap like that for a week, in an attempt to add a gallery-style area to Lifelong Disappointment. This means I haven’t got any fun words, and I’m terrified of syntax errors. I’ll be back when my mind is in a chirpy prosish place. And I’ll be running … Read more
When Two Hearts Simply Cannot Go Into One… without causing a bit of agony and that.
Medico-Educational Category Runner-Up “OPEN UP TO MOUTH CANCER” You and mouth cancer are like a couple of bloody children. Look at you both sitting there with your arms folded, not looking at each other. Isn’t it time you put your differences aside? Open up to mouth cancer. This touchy-feely approach to localised cancers is to … Read more
This entry is karma for my previous “work toilet” entry, in which the man in the next cubicle made wild rattling noises and gasped “shit“. This time, it was my turn to be the monster in the cupboard. Note from the 2020’s – this was written before the word Trump was ruined by America. I’ve … Read more