Log

The Password Was Gandalf

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What follows is an exercise in what happens when someone says “write something for this site, it will be great”. What I will do is sit there stewing for two weeks, then write something like this in a sweat. This was written for Weebl’s Stuff, on the basis that they’d link to my book and … Read more

Brenda Is Dead : Long Live Monica

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It’s not entirely fair. Boo hoo, it’s not fair. 🙁 My job covering the cervical screening course ended ten days ago, but they liked me enough to take me back. Now I’m in another role, whose details are too dull to properly understand. But today is my first day back, after taking a week off … Read more

The Lighter Side Of Brenda

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Sometimes, Brenda lets you into her world. It’s a strange thing, to be embraced by someone you despise – especially if you have the instinctive desire to be liked by everyone, no matter how much they’ve proved themself to be a big anus. On the one hand, I was enjoying the fact that this creature … Read more

IDST : The Rules

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Unbelievably, some people have asked me what I’m talking about. What is IDST, they ask, before putting a slipper on their hands and saying “DID I DO RIGHT MNNNNGGGGG”. So, Lesson Zero : IDST stands for If Destroyed, Still True. You add it to a written insult to ensure that the person you are insulting … Read more

Brenda vs The Chinaman

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< < Who’s Brenda? : Meet Her | Fear Her | Touch Her | Hear Her I have just been forced to overhear the most excruciating conversation of my so-short life. Brenda has just invented and solved a problem that affected no-one, in one of her frequent shouting sessions that let everyone know how fucking … Read more

Gambling Is The Best

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Gambling is brilliant. Whether you win twenty pee on watching a horse run, or six pounds on whether a drunk dog will bite your newborn child, gambling is exciting, profitable, and best of all, it’s erecting an fizzing neon YA BOO NOBBER and pointing it at God. God doesn’t like gambling, apart from a £2 … Read more

Now THIS Is The Craft I'm Talking About

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I was born in 1974. To celebrate, McDonalds opened their first UK branch in South London, and Mohammed Ali beat George Foreman. I later told Mohammed Ali I would have preferred it if George Foreman had won that fight, and he developed brain damage by way of apology. Sadly, Britain was so taken with my … Read more

Holy Fuck, Is That The Time?

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Video Week has been cut short! Why’s that? I’ll tell you for whys! I got really, really, distracted. A) I was chatting to loads of people on MSN Messenger and they were all like “come on join the party” and I came back with “you better get this party started cos I’m the kinda guy … Read more