Log

Firestarter and Waterboy : Sneak Preview

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Coming soon! Real life Firestarter and Waterboy action reality adventures inside an actual real life creepy cave in real life! (The reason I didn’t get this finished last night is because I got embarrassed doing the voices in my room, while my flatmates were watching a film next door. So I just went in and … Read more

Quick Brenda Update

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Brenda, the lady who sits opposite me at work, and a woman whom I despise with a kind of joyful clench, has just walked in at 9:53. This is pretty late, by all accounts, so from observing her habits, I know she’s going to shout really loud about some outrageous fucking lie to justify this … Read more

Stop Making Me Want You To Die

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This office just took a downturn. Let me introduce you to yesterday, with Brenda. 9:10 We walked into the office together. When we reached our desks, she screeched in her vinegar whine over the tables. “So why were you late?” Only she didn’t use the inflection that might have implied that she was late too. … Read more

I Have Shit Dreams

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Ten Shit Dreams I Have Had I was eating a bag of crisps. They were KP Skips, and they were well-seasoned and delicious. As the last crisp melted onto my tongue, I woke up. I went to a bar that sold numbers. I asked for two nines and a seven plus three. The barman rolled … Read more

Make Jimmy Carr Look!

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Jimmy Carr, eh! Never looks at anything, does he? Jimmy! London’s on fire, over there! Look at London, all on fire! Is he looking? Of course not. Jimmy Carr hasn’t voluntarily looked at anything since infancy, when he realised that seeing things filled him with a burning sense of scorn. “God, everything’s so feeble,” he … Read more

Deleted Scenes

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GANDHI Mohandes : I’m learning a new language! [pause] Mohandes : I can say piss in Greek! [pause] Mohandes : ούρα! [pause] Mohandes : That’s piss, in Greek! WHEN HARRY MET SALLY Harry : Is it orgasm time yet? Sally : Not yet. Harry : Can I… Sally : Orgasm time! Harry : You’re… hurting… … Read more