I Have Shit Dreams

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Ten Shit Dreams I Have Had I was eating a bag of crisps. They were KP Skips, and they were well-seasoned and delicious. As the last crisp melted onto my tongue, I woke up. I went to a bar that sold numbers. I asked for two nines and a seven plus three. The barman rolled … Read more

Make Jimmy Carr Look!

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Jimmy Carr, eh! Never looks at anything, does he? Jimmy! London’s on fire, over there! Look at London, all on fire! Is he looking? Of course not. Jimmy Carr hasn’t voluntarily looked at anything since infancy, when he realised that seeing things filled him with a burning sense of scorn. “God, everything’s so feeble,” he … Read more

Deleted Scenes

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GANDHI Mohandes : I’m learning a new language! [pause] Mohandes : I can say piss in Greek! [pause] Mohandes : ούρα! [pause] Mohandes : That’s piss, in Greek! WHEN HARRY MET SALLY Harry : Is it orgasm time yet? Sally : Not yet. Harry : Can I… Sally : Orgasm time! Harry : You’re… hurting… … Read more

Alongside The Mentaloids

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This is my fourth week in the University. I’ve been working with nurses and fake cervix dolls for so long now, that I’d forgotten some of my previous jobs. And those previous jobs, while I’ve enjoyed them with a slow frown and a dumb acceptance, have been occasionally shit. According to some friends, I’m capable … Read more

Sexscapades Inevitable For Australian Neighbours

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Converted Ambulance Combines Allure, Style, Mystique As the residents of Ealing witnessed the arrival of a new kind of automobile, everyone agreed – one lucky gang of young Australian men was going to be enjoying some serious pussy this Summer. The converted ambulance that Jono, Horse and Bongo transformed into Titti Titti Bang Bang has … Read more